Zeke Hoskin Song Lyrics A through B

Songs C through F
Songs G through L
Songs M through Q
Songs R through Z
Choruses are in italics and are sung after every verse.

Are We There Yet?

I remember getting packed into the family car
One of us would have to pee before we got too far
We got cramped and bored and restless, though the fault was never mine
And every thirty seconds one of us would whine

Are we there yet? We've been driving for so long
I don't want to look at horsies, I don't want to sing a song
Johnny got the window seat again, it isn't fair
Are we there yet? I wanna be there

I remember marching to put an end to war
We vowed that we would struggle till people starved no more
It seems so long ago we set our minds to do that task
No when I look around me, there's one thing I want to ask:

. . . we've been working for so long
I don't wanna see statistics, I don't wanna sing a song
Antarctica just got the bomb, and all I got was scared . . .

Everything we try to do takes too long by far
We're not still where we started, but we don't know where we are
We're getting bored and burned out, our patience has diminished
We made an okay start, but now I wish we could get (interrupt)

. . . waiting for so long
I don't wanna swap old daydreams, there's more to life than song
I want more out of life than disappointment and gray hair . . .

Automated Tractor

Gonna lay me down at night, where the stars are shining bright
And watch some big league wrestling on the TV satellite
Where the squirrels and chipmunks play, every day's a holiday
I'm going back to the country to stay

The city's so polluted, there's no quiet place to go
There's nothing you can eat that wasn't dead a week ago
My grandpa had a better life farming in the clay
I'm going back to the country to stay

Gonna buy a plow and harrow all made of stainless steel
An automated tractor with computers in the wheels
A chicken house with Muzak to make them cluckers lay
I'm going back to the country to stay

Gonna wake up in the morning with a good day's work ahead
Unhitch the milker from the cows and then go back to bed
No more working nine to five for what the bosses pay
I'm going back to the country to stay

Bad Santa Land

Do you think that Santa drives his sleigh
To bring you toys on Christmas day?
Well, that may be what Santa does 'round here
Don't let it spoil your celebration
When you learn in other nations
Christmas is a time of pain and fear

If you're almost good enough, he might just play a trick
If you're just a little bad, he'll beat you with a stick
But if you're any worse than that, he'll pick you up and dump you *splat*
Into his sack with all the kids that no one else could stand
That's where naughty children go in Bad Santa Land

All those children acting bad, you know that makes him really mad
It's kids like you that bother Santa's mind
Come Christmas day he'll go to work and grab you up with such a jerk
You'll leave your shoes and stockings there behind

So all you happy girls and boys, playing with your Christmas toys
Those toys were made by children who were bad
There's been a change of routes this year, Bad Santa will be coming here
Be good, or you will really wish you had

Bah, Humbug!

You can tell how old this song is by the VCRs. By all means substitute something contemporary.

I've shovelled a foot of snow today, the car won't start at all
There are fourteen Santa Clauses ho-ho-ho-ing at the mall
I've got a big list of folks I missed who sent me cards last year
And speakers blare from everywhere about some damn reindeer
My friends who work in stores are doing too much overtime
They've raised the price of *VCR's* to barely short of crime
There are atherosclerotics swilling eggnog by the jug
Three syllables say it all: Bah, humbug!

Ebenezer Scrooge was right: Bah, humbug!
Schlock and rip-offs day and night: Bah, humbug!
They'll fatten your belly and flatten your purse
The weather is bad and the people are worse
Humbug is everywhere, rank and raw:
Bah! Bah! Bah!

The kiddies are glued to TVs while commercials stoke their greed
The can't go out cause drunks are weaving by at lethal speed
The airports are as crowded as the fire escape in Hell
My kids just learned the stupid second verse of Jingle Bells
The bitter air rips the linings of my lungs with every breath
And folks who live in cardboard boxes often freeze to death
But the rich are giving crumbs away and feeling mighty smug
Permit me again to say: Bah, humbug!

Beans Have It Tough

Being a chili bean's really a pain
Gotta grow out of doors in the wind and the rain
And when we get picked, we get dumped in the sink
With hot-tempered peppers and garlic that stinks
They cook us and eat us and then have the brass
To blame us for all their intestinal gas
From beginning to end, it's a very bad scene
The world can be hard on a bean

Beans, beans, sure have it tough
Nobody loves a bean nearly enough
Life, life, doesn't fight clean
The world can be hard on a bean

Green beans have feelings that often get hurt
Climbing up poles with our feet in the dirt
Getting chewed on by aphids and cutworms and slugs
And the pesticidides tickle as bad as the bugs
Some green beans are sexy, some green beans are wise
But they never award us the Pulitzer Prize
Or publish our pictures in skin magazines
No wonder us green beans are green

Being a coffee bean's hard on the mind
There are days when existence is really a grind
And being a stringbean can get you unstrung
When the bumblebees jump up and down on your tongue
Being a Navy bean's really a curse
And the chief petty officer beans make it worse
From Boston to Lima and pods in between
The world can be hard on a bean

Being a has-been can really feel bad
When you don't have the moves you remember you had
When whatever you've saved drifts away just like smoke
And no one believes when you say that you're broke
Some will say you were proud and delight in your fall
But most people just won't remember at all
No, most people can't understand what it means
Cause never-weres can't be has-beens

Being a human bein' really is hard
You can't just relax and hang out in the yard
Got readin' and writin' and history and math
Hairbrushes, toothbrushes, razors and baths
Your average veggie knows nothing of shame
But when something goes wrong, it's the humans get blamed
And someday we'll all be replaced by machines
And there won't be no more human bein's

Beer Is Good For You

Coffee give you nerves of glass, but beer is good for you
Rye whiskey gets you drunk too fast, but beer . . .
And if you take a little smoke, might be tobacco, might be dope
If you don't get cancer, you'll land in the poke but beer . . .
Beer! Beer! Bring another round down here
We've got to have another glass or two
Don't tell me that it's getting late, it's early in the year
Sit down and have another glass of beer, it's good for you

Samson knew it very well, that beer . . .
He grabbed those pillars, down they fell cause beer . . .
They cut his hair, they had no fear
They thought he'd lose his strength all year
But he shampooed every day with beer cause beer . . .

Canadiens won the Stanley Cup [ZIP IN TEAM AND CUP NAME] cause beer . . .
They took champagne to fill it up but beer . . .
It sprung a leak and out it drained.
Looked like a busted water main
They said, "Thank God it's just champagne, cause beer . . ."

The moral of this happy song is: beer . . .
Do you wan't do grow up tall and strong? Well, beer . . .
Do you wan't to pain the town bright red?
Want to walk on water and raise the dead?
Then make your toast with liquid bread 'cause beer . . .

Don't tell me that I've had enough, it ain't running out my ears
Don't tell me anything at all, sit down and drink your beer

The Best Bluegrass Band In The World

I put this end-of-the-world song on my first serious demo. The musicians mentioned in the song are
Sue Malcolm, Chris Stevens, and Mike Brooks, who played on it. So did Kitty King, but there isn't a verse for the bassist.

They gave a war last Friday night and everybody came
Our bluegrass band got drafted to keep them entertained
We were underneath a mountain in Colorado Springs
And when the world went up in smoke, the band began to sing

We're the best bluegrass band in the world, the best bluegrass band in this dive
We chased fortune and fame and it finally came, tonight we have really arrived
You'll never hear bluegrass played better, except on the general's tape drive
We got to the top and we don't want to stop, we're the best bluegrass band still alive

When you're a female vocalist, your life is never soft
When Susie took the microphone, they shouted, "Take It Off!"
The MPs waved their clubs around and no one done her wrong
And when the crowd could hear her sing, she sang this bluegrass song

I'm the best bluegrass gal in the world, the best bluegrass gal in this dive
There were more bluegrass dames, but they went up in flames, didn't have what it takes to survive
There aren't any more female vocalists, except on the general's tape drive
There's no one but me who can hit a high C, I'm the best bluegrass gal still alive.

Chris tuned up his banjo and he played them Rocky Top
A technician started laughing and we though he'd never stop
He hooted and he chortled till he blew his dental bridge
He said, "They just took out Rocky Top with Nashville and Oak Ridge"

We're the best bluegrass band in the world, the best bluegrass band in this dive
No one else can still play cause they're all blown away, with their children and husbands and wives
Nobody else sings four part harmony, except on the general's tape drive
We're fast and we're loud and we're terribly proud, we're the best bluegrass band still alive

Then Mike pulled out his mandolin and played some blazing lead
He played Roanoke and Rawhide at his usual blinding speed
When he played Midnight in Moscow, the crowd began to shout
"Play us Okie From Muskogee cause we've wiped the Commies out"

We're the best bluegrass band in the world, the best bluegrass band in this dive
All the old famous bands are in God's promised land on that big mushroom cloud in the sky
There's no room for any more bluegrass except on the general's tape drive
We're fast and we're loud and we're terribly proud, we're the best bluegrass band still alive

They were the finest crowd we've had, we made them laugh and cry
But at last the evening ended, it was time to say goodbye
They were waving from the airlock as we drove off in our van
And for another hour, we're the world's best bluegrass band

We're the best bluegrass band in the world, the best bluegrass band in this dive
Now reggae and raga are only a saga, we've outlasted punk rock and jive
There's no room for any kind of music, except on the General's tape drive
We've made a big mark and we glow in the dark, we're the best bluegrass band still.

Bicycle Fish

Gloria Steinem has written a lot of well-thought out things about the relations between the sexes. Most people think this wisecrack is hers, but as far as I can find out, it ain't.

A person with a heart that's colder than an icicle
Says a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle
I guess she doesn't like the kind of men who hang around her
So I wrote this little song for you - I hope that I don't flounder

I will be your bicycle if you will be my fish
You can grab my handlebar and ride me how you wish
You're so wet and wiggly, you know what I like
If you will be my fish this evening, I will be your bike

Once I had a goldfish, it never made a sound
Just swam round and round and round and round and round and round
And round and round and round and round as if it didn't care
If it had had a bicycle, it might have got somewhere

Loving isn't easy, or that's the way it feels
If you want to go the distance, it helps if you've got wheels
But when you're in deep water and you're fearing you'll be drowned
A friend who has a pair of gills is good to have around

Bigger Than Pluto

They'd been searching out past Pluto since nineteen thirty two
But all they found was comets till Quaoar came into view
But when we cheered the searchers for finding Planet Ten
The astronomers just shook their heads and told us, "Think again"

Quaoar is smaller than Pluto
The criteria for planethood are tough
Quaoar is smaller than Pluto
So Quaoar just isn't big enough

They went back to their telescopes and Sedna soon was found
It was bigger than Quaoar, the evidence was sound
Sedna must be Planet Ten, its chances looked so good
But it doesn't have the class to make it in our neighborhood

Sedna is smaller than Pluto
The criteria for planethood are tough
Sedna is smaller than Pluto
So Sedna just isn't big enough

People kept on searching, they found Eris pretty soon
It was bigger than Pluto, it had at least one moon
Though its orbit was all tilted from the planetary plane
We were sure it was a planet till we heard this sad refrain:

Eris is bigger than Pluto
But don't think that Planet Ten's been found at last
Cause Pluto is smaller than Eris
So Pluto's days of planethood are past

I wonder as I lie awake, staring at the stars
What they'll do when something shows up big as Mercury and Mars
We'll only have six planets with sufficient mass and girth
Till they find a rock that's bigger than Venus and the Earth

Elvis is larger than Earth is
But planets are a thing we never add
And Earth is smaller than Elvis
So it's not a planet any more, too bad.

Consider if this thinking went for folks like you and me
We'd get dumber every time somebody else got a degree
Nobody else affects who we are and we deserve
Unless you're talking politics or grading on the curve

Freddy is smarter than Suzie
Betty has a better attitude than John
Till we'll all be disqualified as humans
And leave the chimpanzees to carry on

Billings 1993

The title is, of course, derived from Fred Small's Denmark 1942. The story is true.

In the city of Billings, Montana
It was Hanukkah of 1993
The menorah in Tammy Schnitzer's window
Didn't look like the neighbor's Christmas tree
Some people say it's wrong to be different
And someone broke the window with a stone
She stood looking at that rock and she thought of Kristallnacht
Feeling scared and helpless and alone

You don't have to be a Jew to know Jews are people too
You don't have to be a Christian to ask what would Jesus do
If there are angels up above, they're wond'ring what you're thinking of
Breaking windows in the name of one who came to preach of love

In the city of Billings, Montana
A kind policeman gave his best advice
"It's not safe to put menorahs in your window
Cause we can't keep those creeps from striking twice
She wondered what to tell her young son Isaac
Don't let the symbols of our culture show
We've got to learn to pass or it's the ovens and the gas
When you're Jewish, don't let anybody know

You don't have to be a Jew to know Jews are people too
You don't have to be a Christian to ask what would Jesus do
If we have to hide and cower, freedom wilts where it should flower
And the skinheads and the Nazis are the ones who hold the power

In the city of Billings, Montana
The Gazette gave the story lots of play
They printed a menorah on the back page
If you want to show support, here's one way
More than six thousand houses showed menorahs
To a small boy's eyes, they never seemed to end
He asked, "Mommy, are all these people Jewish?"
Tammy Schnitzer told him, "No, but they're our friends"

You don't have to be a Jew to know Jews are people too
You don't have to be a Christian to ask what would Jesus do
The people of the town didn't let their neighbors down
And those cut-out paper candles shed a bright light all around

In the city of Billings, Montana
There are still lots of people full of hate
But they know that their neighbors don't support them
The evil things they plan will have to wait
And the puppeteers still scream who we should hate now
Commies, Arabs, Jews, Chicanos, gays
There's love enough for all, divided we must fall
But together we can find a better way

You don't have to be a Jew to know Jews are people too
You don't have to be a Christian to ask what would Jesus do
If there are devils down below, they're burning cause they know
A call to hate was met with love and melted like the snow.

Binary Boogie

Spoken Intro:Computers do everything by manipulating two values, zero and one. It occurred to me that a zero is kind of like an ear
and a one is kind of like a finger, so all computers are doing is picking their ears a few billion times a second.

One one zero, zero zero one
The Binary Boogie is a LOAD of fun

Do the Binary Boogie, Root - de - toot
If it's anything but zero and one it won't compute

Two for six, three five eight,
Those numbers are too big to calculate

I met a person down the hall with a plug-compatible protocol
I thought I'd like to try to get on line
"One one zero zero" was the message I sent
"Zero zero one one" was her complement
And after that we got on mighty fine

Yes yes no, no no yes,
Ain't no "maybe", Ain't no "I guess"

I put on my best shirt and TTY
I ASCII'd her and she replied
"One one one one one one one one one"
She wanted to hex FF with me
With a little bit of odd parity
So I raised my Ready To Send and we begun

Up down up, down up down
In and out, straight and round

Blood On The Pumpkin

My neighbor on the right just finished nailing to his tree
The back end of a witch who lost control
To the left are seven jack o'lanterns glaring back at me
All stacked up like some Druid's totem pole
Across the street are seven glowing gravestones
In a tasteful plastic cemetery scene
And I'm feeling kinda dumb cause I just cut off my thumb
There's blood on the pumpkin, it's almost Halloween

I could have just gone shopping for some culturific matter
Like illuminated ghosts with burning eyes
An articulated skeleton with teeth that really chatter
A coven of witches, every shape and size
Some spiders and some rats, lots of bats and big black cats
And Frankenstein's monster, grim and green
When I do it on my own, I cut my fingers to the bone
There's blood on the pumpkin, it's almost Halloween

In just a few more nights, the hungry kids will come my way
Wearing costumes that come mostly from the store
I can't feed 'em home-baked goodies, that's a feast of yesterday
If it isn't wrapped in plastic, they won't eat it any more
No-one sings, they buy a C D with a choir of screaming ghouls
Being good consumers, that's the way it's planned
But a few of us are still anachronistic Luddite fools
And I'll carve my own damn pumpkin, or at least I'll carve my hand

Last year I made a bug-eyed monster, that was really hard
Carving eyes with twenty facets sure takes time
The year before was mutants leering all across my yard
Three eyes apiece and noses dripping slime
I should learn to keep it simple, it's the only art I do
But it looks so easy in the magazine
Got no skill, but I've got zeal and eleven months to heal
There's blood on the pumpkin, it's almost Halloween

Blowing Up My Friend

When I was young I had a friend who was imaginary
My parents couldn't see him so they thought that it was very
Suspicious how I blamed my friend the day the goldfish died
Now my best friend's a lot like him, she's all hot air inside

I'm blowing up my closest friend
She had a little leak I had to mend
She isn't made of flesh, her lovely shape depends on pressure
So I'm blowing up my closest friend

My best friend comes along with me when I drive to work
She's the only one who never says I'm driving like a jerk
She's accepting, she's supportive, and there's no need to explain
She comes in very handy when I use the car pool lane

My friend was looking pale, I thought she wasn't feeling well
Though when your friend's a blow up doll, it's awful hard to tell
Though the chiropractor did his best, no difference could he make
So we tried the acupuncturist -- now that was a mistake

Seems people can't agree what other people should believe
So we blow each other up with bombs, which always makes me grieve
If we weren't so sad and lonely, we could get along just fine
I wish that everybody had a blow-up friend like mine

[TAG] The problem that we face is how to bring war to an end
The answer is blowing up a friend

The body Of A Teenager

I was playing ball in my neighour's yard, hurt my back, and commenced to whine
"I want the body of a teenager" and the girls all said, "You can't have mine"
Puns are bad, straight talk is good, it's dangerous to be misunderstood
I want the body of a teenager, and I don't mean a teenage girl

I want the body of a teenager and the ears of a twelve year old
Parts that heal when they get hurt and fingers that do what they're told
Joints that don't creak, eyes that focus, a whole lot less of the things that croak us
I want the body of a teenager, and I don't mean a teenage girl

You might think I'm a dirty old man, let me set your mind at peace
I don't want to date your daughter, don't want to neck with your niece
You know I wouldn't if I could. Besides, I can't, so I'll be good . . .

I want the body of a teenager and the brain of a child of four
Remember everything I learn and, errr, ummm, don't forget no more
A back that's free of the things that ail ya, fully functional genitalia . . .

You know old Doctor Frankenstein? One stormy night he said
"If I had the body of a teenager, I'd keep it beneath my bed"
The peasants think he's kind of odd, he'd squirrel away a teenaged body . . .

I want the body of a teenager and the experience that I've earned
Young enough to play with fire, too old to get burned
My old mistakes have taught me wall, I'd raise a whole new kind of hell . . .

Booby Prize

Little boys grow into playboys, dreaming of the perfect breast
Men today were yesterday boys, and by bosoms still obsessed
Nine months inside, six to nurse, then a lifetime all alone
But its gotten even worse: we're growing bosoms of our own

Men are growing breasts, is it something in the water?
Is it something in the food? Is it something in the air?
We can't avoid the chemicals, we're doing what we gotta
And we're turning into women and is is-n't fair

Corporations move their plants to where they're still allowed to spew
Technologically advanced waste products that aren't good for you
But the wind cares naught for borders, soon it all comes home to stay
But it causes no disorders, so the infomercials say

Girls now mentruate at nine, fish change sex downstream from mills
You say everything is fine - are you taking stupid pills?
Pills that help us stand the crowd, Ritalin for boys who shout
Prozac helps us stand up proud while our hairy tits grow out

The Bottom Line

The last line of the second verse should morph to insult the public figure of choice.You could sing
"The worst in the place looked like XX XX's face", but there are so many synonyms for the body part in question that there's often one that rhymes.

I work in a white collar war zone, where ulcers and heart attacks prowl
We'd sooner be dead than end up in the red, and the stench of the corpses is foul
I make a small symbolic protest when the pressure starts curdling my spleen
I lock all the doors and I lower my drawers and moon on the Xerox machine

I went to a wild office party, we all had a bit too much booze
And then we took turns photocopying sterns and tried to decide which was whose
You never saw such an assortment of peculiar posterior smiles
The ugliest tush looked a lot like George Bush, but that's cause the owner had piles

Last night I was hit with a deadline, I worked until two forty nine
When I finished I thought I'd just run off a shot of the only thing I can call mine
When I sat down and pressed the big button there was one little thing that I missed
I came back to find that I'd faxed my behind to the entire customer list

Songs C through F
Songs G through L
Songs M through Q
Songs R through Z