Some folks have their ups and downs
Their world is rosy till it turns dark brown
I'm the evenest-tempered man in town:
I'm mad all the time
some folks slap on a happy grin
Makes them look foolish and ugly as sin
When the get in a fight they don't know where to begin
But I'm mad all the time
I'm mad all the time
Everything makes my blood pressure climb
Corruption, poverty, war and crime
I'm mad all the time
The government never says much that's true
Corporations are lying too
Smile if that's okay with you but I'm . . .
Some folks just turn the other cheek
Cause the earth is inherited by the meek
Six feet long and six feet deep, I'm . . .
The Optimist says this world is the best world it can be
The Pessimist says things won't get better
Aren't you glad that they agree? [NO CHORUS AFTER BRIDGE]
I got a job and I should be grateful
Stuck in a cube doing work that's hateful
Selling my soul just to keep my plate full, I'm . . .
I see you grinning while I sing this song
You think I'm kidding, well, you're sure wrong
I hope you're happy cause it won't last long and I'm . . .
[TAG AFTER LAST CHORUS]
While everything I care about turns to slime, I'm . . .
It's a simple emotional paradigm: I'm . . . .
The students were protesting in Tiananmen Square
The generals sent the army to butcher them there
But as the tanks came down the road, one old man stood and raised his arm
"By the Red Star painted on your tank, you shall not harm . . . them"
And the generals said, "Kill them!" and the man in the tank said "No!
You're sending me to kill my own people: I will not go!
This is the People's Army, these are the people I'm sworn to save"
The whole world watched the students die, but nobody's seen that soldier's grave.
Did they kill him that same evening? The generals won't tell
Is he sweating in a slave-labor factory or rotting in a cell?
And what became of his family? Perhaps the price was too high to pay
For they sent another army in and killed all the students anyway
A country need its heros, and China needs them now
Would God we'd had his like at My Lai, Amritsar, and Dachau
But when the Chinese billion rise at last and wash away their shame
We'll remember when two men stopped the tanks and praise both their names.
They've got to fix our ferry boat she's going into dock
And everyone on Lummi Island's going into shock
The heartbeat of our way of life's the turning of her screw
We're ma-rooned on Lummi Island and we don't know what to do
We're ma- rooned on Lummi Island till they fix the Whatcom Chief
We're marooned on Lummi Island and there's no sign of relief
We miss our friends in Bellingham, we're running out of beer
But till they fix our ferryboat, we're stuck right here
We have to have our cars here, or how would we get home?
But the mainland still is calling us far across the foam
There's a little boat to take us, so the ferry notice sez
But our cars are stuck on Lummi so we can't get past the Rez
We go down to the stormy sea each and every night
Send messages in bottles about our awful plight
Some of us drink Montrachet and some of us drink gin
We've got to drain the bottles just to put the message in
Some of us are angry and our faces are bright red
Some of us are sad, we'd rather go to work instead
Though some are red and some are blue, we all can share the grief
Mix red and blue, we get marooned . . . . . . un-til they fix the Chief
Do you know how Santa gets to forty million kids an hour?
Do you wonder how he goes so fast on just eight reindeer power?
The secret's in the timing, he produces this effect
By starting at the North Pole where the time zones intersect
Cause it's always midnight at the North Pole
From the end of Summer till Spring
It's always midnight at the North Pole
That's how Santa does his thing
He loads his sleigh with goodies and the reindeer start to trot
And you know you're getting something whether you've been good or not
But he gets back when he started out, at midnight on the dot
Cause it's always midnight at the North Pole
He unhitches all the reindeer, grabs a shower and a snack
Kisses Mrs Claus goodbye and grabs another sack
Then he's ready for another run, the same time as the last
Midnight at the North Pole where the clock is never fast
Sometimes he gets caught in a ferocious Winter storm
His fingers get so cold he fears he never will get warm
A good long soak revives him till he's ready to begin
And he jumps out of the hot tub at the same time he got in
At last the night is over, Santa finally takes a break
And all the elves get out of bed with next year's toys to make
Bicycles, computer games, dolls and balls and drums
It's noon all Spring and Summer, quitting time just never comes
That isn't a misjudgment in A Minor. I sang this with my guitar in Open D.
The first half of the second verse is a 2011 rewrite, partly because I can no longer remember the original words.
It was cold, deadly cold. In the orchards all the oranges hung frozen.
They were bold, deadly bold. They were seven of the country's pride and chosen.
The engineers at Thiokol were screaming that the O-ring seals would shatter
But NASA wouldn't listen – they were only engineers, not folks that matter.
Challenger fly! Astronauts die!
Scatter a minor misjudgment all over the sky!
There was shock, painful shock, at a fairy tale without a happy ending
There was talk, painful talk, as we learned about the rules they'd been bending
We heard that the escape hatch had been sacrificed to save some weight and cash
And we hoped the seven understood in the time between the blowout and the crash
There was shame, crying shame, at the loss of seven lives we had been gambling
There was blame, crying blame, as to cover ass the bureaucrates were scrambling
They ordered one more Shuttle built and hoped to God we'd never need another
But they solved the bad publicity – they just won't launch anybody's wife or mother.
I got a truck, I got a truck, I got a monster truck
I got seven feet of headroom, don't never have to duck
Your little car's so small and low, you can't go where I can go
I got thrills you'll never know, I got a monster truck
I got a truck, I got a truck, I got a monster truck
When I see it in my driveway, I can't believe my luck
Got big mud tires on airplane wheels, my winch makes others look like fishin' reels
You'll never know how good it feels, I got a monster truck
When I get stuck in traffic, I know just what to do
Put on a disk of truckin' songs and crack a can of brew
Cause I know I'm not really stuck, I could just truck on through
So you oughta be god damned grateful that I don't truck over you
I got a truck, I got a truck, I got a monster truck
I get seven miles a gallon, and I ... don't .. care
Strong men drool when I pass, I can afford to buy the gas
If you don't`like it, that's too bad, I got a monster truck
I can't approach the level of rhyme, scansion, alliteration, and wit in Tom Lehrer's song using the names of the twelve elements that hadn't been dis-carvard when he wrote it, but here's my best try.
Rutherfordium, Roentgenium, Lawrencium, Livermorium,
Copernicium, Hassium, Flerovium, and Bohrium,
Dubnium, Seaborgium, Meitnerium, Darmstadtium.
One-thirteen and one-eightteen? They still need a few more aa-toms.
I'll always love my mother, every day I live
But I need the kind of lovin' that a mother just can't give
I love my dad, he kept the family fed when times were tough
And I love my good old hound dog, but a dog just ain't enough
My dog has two left feet and he can't dance
I love my dog, but love just ain't romance
I'd fox-trot with you if I had the chance
My dog has two left feet and he can't dance
You know I love my country, I'd love a glass of beer
I'd even love my job if my boss would disappear
When we played tennis, you said love meant nothing at all
I'd love to have a match with you, but my dog just ate the ball
You'll never be the only one I care for
But I don't love them the way that I love you
Would you care to use my heart as your dance floor?
Cause I'm gettin' tired of waltzing with Old Blue
I'd love to sing a song about how we could live as one
But I had to walk my dog before the third verse got done
(hum two lines)
. . . There's a lonely heart your lovin' would en-hance
. . . We'll have three children: Vera, Chuck, and Lance . . .
This is an incident in the Peloponnesian War, as related by the historian Thucydides. The Athenian council regarded rebellion as treason and decided to exterminate the citizens (i.e., the adult males) of the city of Mytilene on the isle of Lesbos.
A trireme ("TRY ream") is a large rowing ship with three banks of oars.
Mytilene is pronounced "Me'-ti-LEE-nee". Lesbos is "LESS, boss."
A bouzouki is an instrument like a long-necked mandolin, used in current Greek music.
Mytilene's leaders lay chained in Athens prison
But Kleon told the Council, "Their deaths are not enough
If a country pardons treason, the Gods will send them traitors
Athens' vengeance shall be written in blood and not in bluff
I love a traitor when he's dead and can't rebel again
Tell the army holding Lesbos to massacre the men"
A trireme was dispatched to command the execution
But Diodotus still argued the cause for a reprieve:
"No foe will dare surrender where there is no hope of mercy"
And, while he spoke, his comrades got a trireme set to leave.
When at last the hands were shown, the decision was reversed
And the ship with their reprieve set out, one day behind the first!
Row for Lesbos, row, my heros, row!
Three hundred miles of rocky sea to go!
Bend your backs till you burst your hearts, the ship of death has a whole day's start
Nine thousand heads ride on your shoulders, row, my heros, row!
When good men do their utmost, their grasp can compass wonders
But miracles are for the gods, they're not in mortal power
Their quarry had a whole day's lead and nearly equal oarsmen
Though they strove to catch that ship of death, they failed . . . By half an hour!
The order was delivered and the slaughter was prepared
Then a ship raced yelling from the sea -- Mytilene was spared!
Now the Athens -- Lesbos ferry is a roaring, fuming Diesel
Its stinking smoke befouls the sky, its fuel slimes the sea
While camera-laden tourists loll to amplified bouzoukis
It thunders down the sea-roads where the triremes used to be
It rides in stench and clamour that the gods would not believe
And it's one hour faster than Mytilene's reprieve
We'll fight for our sacred religion, for the color of our skins
We'll fight for anything money can buy, and no one ever wins
We'll fight for our homes and our honor, we're fighters, there's no doubt
But if we're fighting, then we oughta be fighting for something worth fighting about
Are you an innie or an outie? Are you covex or concave?
If you've got the wrong kind of belly button, the situations's grave
From chains of ignorance and doubt we've got to set my people free
Are you an innie or an outie? Pull your shirt up and let me see
Adam and Eve, they were smoothies, never had no umbilical cords
But Cain and Abel had opposite navels, that's why they crossed swords
When Lot and Mrs Lot were leaving Sodom, they had an unplanned halt
She saw some innies making it with outies and the shock turned her into salt
Growing up in Outie Mongolia turns a boy to a damn tough man
If you asked anybody "Who can kill the most innies?", they'd answer, "Genghis Khan"
When you think of the dozens of innocent lives cut short by Billy The Kid
He was an innie and they were all outies and that's why he done what he did
Some people think I'm a warhawk, taking such an extreme position
On a fold of flesh whose shape is determined by the whim of an obstetrician
And some people say I'm a coward, cause when those trumpets call
If we ain't fighting over belly buttons, I ain't gonna fight at all
Early 2012, after a lot of comics using the title. Made a YouTube slideshow.
You may think that Darwin showed that vertebrates are fine
You use "spineless" as an insult, you're so proud to own a spine
Well, Mammon's Mighty Molluscs say you'd better keep in line
Octopi Wall Street
Octopi Wall Street! We're mean and tough
If you've still got anything, we don't have enough
Our tentacles reach everywhere to suck up all your stuff
Octopi wall Street
We don't do no straight deals, cause everywhere we're bent
We came here to take over, we're achieving our intent
To devour the hairy, warm-blooded ninety-nine percent . . .
. . . . we take no guff . . . .
We got suckers on our tentacles, you suckers are our prey
The more you try to keep from us, the more we'll make you pay
We soak the poor to feast the rich, cause that's the Wall Street way . .
. . . . this is not a bluff . . . .
Summer's almost over and the nights are geting longer
And the cold is getting colder and the wind is blowing stronger
The rain is falling harder and the sky is getting darker
And the only place it's sunny is with you
Spring is lost in long ago, too distant to remember
And the blue, blue skies of June have all been stolen by September
The final flowers are fading and there's nothing ripe for harvest
And the only place it's sunny is with you
A mayfly doesn't live to see the sunrise
A flower never blooms beyond the fall
More years have gone with yesterday than still remain to come our way
So let's be sure to revel in them all
There will come another Spring and there will come another Summer
That's a good thing to remember while the weather's getting glummer
But today the clouds are crying for a lovely summer's dying
And the only place it's sunny is with you.
An ostrich ate my octopus, I'm very disappointed
He was my favorite octopus, completely double-jointed
The ostrich saw my octopus and shouted, "Hallelujah!"
But since he ate my octopus, he's looked a bit peculiar
A tentacle sticks out his beak, and one from either ear
And one is waving merrily from somewhere in the rear
Now, that's the kind of scene you seldom get to talk about
My octopus is trying to turn that ostrich inside out
My octopus is splashing round in the swimming pool
To wash off the digestive juices of that feathered fool
This goes to show there still is hope although misfortune meets you
So don't give up when something that you disagree with eats you
Just before two on March fourteen is a favorite minute of mine
It means "Pi" to me, because it's three point one four one five nine
Apple, cherry, pumpkin, pecan, let's down a slice to a remarkable man
We're not stupid, we love Euclid, nerds of the world, eat pie!
Pi Day, Pi Day, whether it's Monday or Friday
Euclid says, "It's my day", nerds of the world, eat pie!
The day before the Ides of March when Caesar got the knife
Cassius and Brutus made a plot to take his life, (They said)
"He's too ambitious, that Julius Caesar", then they split a deep dish pizza
They didn't have a quorum, they stabbed him in the Forum, nerds of the world, eat pie!
Pi Day, Pi Day, whether it's Monday or Friday
Euclid says, "It's my day", nerds of the world, eat pie!
Folks will tell you, "Pi R Square", but as for me, I've found
Cake are square, but everywhere, pie are always round.
Never turn down Grandmas's pie, she feels that is a slam at her
Her pie means more than the ratio of the circumference to the diameter
You don't need a computer to raise a mathematical rumpus
Euclid did the things he did with a straight edge and a compass
His tools were simple, his powers were mental, that's why pi's so transcendental
The circle's unbroken: Euclid has spoken. Nerds of the world, eat pie!
Pi Day, Pi Day, whether it's Monday or Friday
Euclid says, "It's my day", nerds of the world, eat pie!
If you're a nerd, it's thy day, nerds of the world, eat pie!
In the gray mists of Ireland the Christians are fighting
Did God give their sod to the Pope or the Queen?
With their hates and their doubts they should get the Christ out
And leave us to dance naked in forests so green
Throw out the Angles, the Saxons, the Normans,
The Indians, the Arabs, the Jews, the Chinese
And then the damn Celts can just go somewhere else
And leave us to dance naked among the green trees
In the stone maze of London the fat Anglo-Saxons
Bewail the invasions of Asians and blacks
They are dogs in our manger, they're still **** strangers
They should learn where they came from and go the hell back
Twenty centuries past Rome came trampling our culture
The vultures that followed them now do believe
That their blazing Yule logs are just good Christian dogma
Like Midsummer, Mayday, and All Hallows' Eve
If I had a pillow that felt like you
To lay my head on every night
If I had a pillow that felt like you
I'd wrap my arms around it and I'd hold it tight
Every morning my alarm clock flies into a tizzy
Telling me it's time to get up and get busy
Getting out of bed would be so hard to do
With a pillow that felt like you
If I had a pillow that felt like you
I wouldn't want to stay out late
If i had a pillow that felt like you
I wouldn't take no other girl out on a date
I'd just stay home and go to sleep
I wouldn't toss and turn and I wouldn't count sheep
I'd have sweet dreams the whole night through
With a pillow that felt like you
Every night I lay down on my pillow
Try not to worry and fret
May as well lie on a bed of nails
For all of the rest that I get
I know that this sleep deprivation
Is going to scramble my brain
But I'm already crazy about you
So why should I try to stay sane?
Couldn't get a pillow that felt like you
I don't want one anyhow
A pillow couldn't love me the way you do
Makes me wish I was holding you now
Hands that caress me, lips that kiss
A pillow could never make me feel like this
I'd rather hold you by daylight than spend all night
With a pillow that felt like you
March on comma march on exclamation point
Never say we're open quotes odd close quotes
It's with an apostrophe a wonderful thing
To be in The Punctuation Squad exclamation point
We're the bullies with blue pencils semicolon
we keep your grammar pure period
Though you may diss the imporance of this comma
it is vital comma we are sure period
When you punctuate at random comma
You look like an illiterate sod dash
Or so we think dash so raise your drink
to the health of the Punctuation Squad exclamation point
Good grammar is important comma
Whatever the literary period period
In Shakespeare's day comma every play
had misspelling by the myriad period
But never a misplaced comma comma
Or a colon where a dash should be dash
If it's good enough for Shakespeare comma
It's good enough for me exclamation point
For quotes comma French has duck's feet colon
A canard that makes me weary semicolon
And why does an upside down question mark begin each Spanish query question mark
In German comma Nouns take Capitals comma
and compound words do sprawl period
But hear what I'm telling comma that's just spelling dash
not punctuation at all exclamation point
Way back in the old days when typewriters were new-fangled
If someone tried to type too fast, the type-bars would get tangled
A feller name of Scholes said he could slow them down a lot
By putting every key in the worst possible spot
QWERTYUIOP, ASDFGHJKL, ZXCVBNM
Got a lot of things to type, come early and begin 'em
Type slowly and type steadily, keep typing till you drop
ZXCVBNM, ASDFGHJKL, QWERTYUIOP
The boss, he got a little whip, the kind you call a quirt
Kept it in his underwear, underneath his shirt
Told the keypunch operator, "Don't you dare to stop
Or I'm gonna make you suffer when I QWERTYUIOP"
Op she got right up and quit, walked off in a huff
Had to find somebody who would put up with that stuff
Found a girl who couldn't type, but had a sexy wiggle
Boss he hired her anyway to watch her ASDFGHJKL
What your next computer will be like, I do not know
But it will have a keyboard designed to make you slow
Gad-ZXCVBNM-azed that we put up with things like these
We'll have to learn a different language, one that fits the keys